How To Get Lapped Like A Pro

Sometimes you do a cyclocross race, and you aren’t as fast as the leader.  This happens to lots of people, no matter what field you’re in.

Everyone, at some point in their life, gets lapped.

It’s fine.  Don’t worry.  It’s not a judgement on you.  It’s just how life goes.  Some days, you are the lappee, and at some point you may be the lapper.

This is why it’s important to know how to get lapped like a pro.

I’ve been getting lapped in Elite cross races for several years.  So I know what I’m talking about.  There are lots of things that you need to know to in order to get lapped like a pro.

  1. CHOOSE A FUCKING SIDE – You’re getting lapped, and you panic.  Where should you go?!?  What if you block the best line?  Well, you’re at the fucking back, so you obviously have no idea what the best line is.  So, you should just go to some side and stand there.  Choose a side and commit to it.  If you waffle on where you are going, the dudes lapping you are going to be confused, and they are going to crash into you.  If you just decide that you are going to stand at one point and wait for the fast dudes to go by, it makes it a lot easier for everyone else.
  2. STOP RIDING – Hey, guess what?  You’re getting lapped.  So you are not going to win.  So not riding for thirty seconds is not going to cost you your race.  When the fast dudes who are trying to make their living by riding bikes come by, pull off to the side you have chosen and just chill for two seconds.
  3. PAY ATTENTION – Honestly, if you’re getting lapped, you should actually be prepared for it to happen. Because you don’t suddenly go from being FAST to getting LAPPED.  So you should have some idea that at some point during your race, you are getting lapped.  Thus, when the bewitching hour approaches, pay attention.  Know that when the crowd starts cheering with lots of enthusiasm…that they’re probably cheering for the leaders.  Try to judge that cheering against where you are.  If you’re in a switchback section and hear lots of cheering…pull off to the side and take a beer feed.
  4. TAKE BEER FEEDS – Yeah, it sucks that you’re getting your ass kicked during your race.  But cyclocross is like a mullet – business at the front, party at the back.  You paid just as much as the folks at the front to race, and you aren’t going to make it back in money or product.  So you might as well make it back in beer feeds.  If you’re getting lapped, you should try to equal your entry fee in beer feeds that you take.  If you don’t drink beers, look for muffins.
  5. HECKLE – The people rocketing past you at one million fucking miles per hour hate you.  They may act nice at the start, but don’t be fooled – they hate you.  The one chance you have to get back at them is when you’re standing up against the course tape.  This is your chance to yell at them about how much they suck, and how much you hate them.  So DO NOT MISS THIS CHANCE.  Heckle these people for the full jerks that they are.  JERKS.

Even though I actually hate the people that lap me – because they excel at the only damn thing in my life that I give effort to and care about – I want to give them some respect.  And you should too.  If you have any other suggestions, please leave them in the comments.

15 thoughts on “How To Get Lapped Like A Pro”

  1. Great post but why so many fucking F bombs? 😉

    Agree, if you are getting lapped you need to swallow your pride and tip your hat to the faster guys. Getting lapped (or even dropped on any training ride) happens to all of us, and it motivates us to be better prepared next time. Sometimes you’re the hammer, sometimes you’re the nail. MOVE.

  2. 1a should probably be “the best line is generally the inside of corners, so don’t stand on the fucking inside of a corner and then wonder why a swiss guy rode 2 inches away from you/elbowed you in the face”

  3. Hey, I think post has invoked a re-post of the “Open Letter to the Elite Men”, my personal favorite.

    Also, you forgot to mention picking up dollar bills in conjunction with beer feeds. You can even use the photo of yourself on facebook picking up dollar bills during what appears to be Gloucester from last year as a guide for the best form.

  4. FANTASTIC!!! Love it. Presently being forward all over. How about an entry now on Cat 4 guys who want to start a fight cause someone “took” their line or get mad when the guy ahead does not move over when they yell up??? Beautiful! And to the guy complaining about F-bombs; grab a Mich Ultra or blush wine and go watch some ice skating or HTFU. FYI, this type of cross is not in a church.

  5. I’m a cross newbie and have yet had the good fortune to have been lapped. I do, however, tell myself one thing when I’m going slow and suffering — there are always some poor fucks that DNF’d and will finish lower in the standings than me. Amen.

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