Man, is it ever a great time to be a cross racer in New England! In the span of 16 days I am doing seven cross races (and one ultrafast crit). It could be eight cross races…but I do like me an ultrafast crit where I will totally get my ass kicked.
I started out my cross season with a horrible performance at Quad Cross. I just sucked. Usually, it takes me a little while to remember how to steer a bike and deal with the different variety of suffering that cyclocross hands out. After a slightly less horrible Portsmouth Crit, I’d like to believe that my body has remembered how to bike race.
And if it hasn’t it will learn SHORTLY.
First up is the Nor’Easter Cross race in the one and only city of the future, BURLINGTRON. Word on the street is that the course is entirely a beach run (no cycling whatsoever) with temple guards poised and ready to take you out.
JOKES ON YOU, FUCKERS. I GOT PENDANTS OF LIFE.
After I sleep at Castle Worcox, fiancee and I and dog will drive to Boston and I will ride my bike in circles and post a mediocre result against dudes ride bikes in circles for a living. But I am excited as it will be fun to pretend I am a fancy boy for a day. NOTE: There is also a sweet cross race on Sunday. If I did that, I’d race cross 8 days out of 16.
I will go to work on Monday and Tuesday. At work on Wednesday, I will spend my time lifting weights and doing cocaine to prepare myself and my balls for the Midnight Ride of Cyclocross. MIDWEEK BIKE RACES?!? HELL YES.
I will think about taking Thursday off. But I will ride to work and will descend upon the office cafeteria like a swarm of locusts and eat everything. And drink tons of coffee. On Friday I will not eat everything, but will eat almost everything, because Saturday is the LEGENDARY GRAN PRIX OF GLOUCESTER.
Saturday is a UCI Category 1 race. That means that even more fast dudes will be showing up than usual. Also, money is 30 deep, so I might win some!
AHAHAHAHA just kidding. I’m not going to win any money from the promoters. I might make some money by grabbing dollar bills. I will certainly get free beers by stealing them from unsuspecting beer-tent patrons if I can sense my impending demise.
Sunday is a UCI Category 2 race. It will still be very hard and I will still get my ass kicked.
Ideally, this year, I will not mess my brakes up and be forced to ride a neutral bike:
It all starts again!
Monday: Work. Eat everything.
Tuesday: Work. Eat slightly less.
Wednesday. Work. Punch myself in the nuts over and over again to get psyched for DA WEASEL and drive down with teammate/friend Aaron while listening to Iced Earth and punching each other in the nuts to get psyched to…work registration.
Race at night, be exhausted. Repeat last week’s Thursday/Friday schedule in preparation for the Providence Festival Of Bike Riding And Stuff. Day one is a UCI Cat 1 race, Day two is a UCI Cat 2 race.
I will either do okay at this race – because I’ve gained fitness by RACING MY FACE OFF in the previous week – or I will collapse of exhaustion.
SO, IN CONCLUSION, you should move to New England like RIGHT NOW.
PS – does anyone have a floor for myself/fiancee at Providence? We will make you crepes (yes, this blog is all about begging for stuff now).