THROW THE NUKE IN THE HOLE.
Subtitle: Season 5 of Lost sucked. And how to make Season 6 better.
I’ve dedicated many hours of my life to Lost. I came into the show part way through the fourth season, and spent most of my roller time watching every episode up until that point so I would know what was going on.
Seasons three and four were awesome – Charlie, shit blowing up, Ben being totally evil, Sawyer dropping great one-liners. Smoke monsters and hatches and Mr. Echo and polar bears and Rousseau and all sorts of other shit…life was great.
Then this season SUCKED ASS. Yes, this season of Lost was terrible. Michael Emerson forgot how to act. Apparently the new direction for EVERY ACTOR is STARE AT THE CAMERA AFTER SOMONE SAYS SOMETHING. I suddenly don’t give a shit about anyone on the show, and was hoping that Richard Alpert would find a BFG 9000, kill everyone in 2009, travel back to 1979, and kill everyone there.
I figure that the writers are not going to do that, as the last season of the show would be Alpert walking around, slowly losing his mind, until he just starts rambling about Heineken in spanish.
BUT HERE IS HOW I THINK THE SHOW CAN BE SAVED. Two ideas, for now. Writers, you can have ‘em. Or gimme a call. I got PILES of great ideas.
0. First of all, when Juliet fell in the giant hole, she should have fallen into a ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese’s. Duh. That was a no brainer. Retcon that shit.
1. Okay, here’s one idea. The nuked kills everyone BUT Miles and Hurley (because they can talk to the dead or something). So then they wander around the jungle and stumble across…Rose and Bernard (who unknowingly built their shack out of lead and cement trees).
Then Miles and Hurley move in with them, and over a period of two episodes, the show becomes a sitcom – laugh track, multiple cameras, they find a coffee shop, the whole thing. As an added bonus, all of your favorite dead characters (Charlie, Keamy, Mr. Echo, the high school science teacher…and even Nikki and Paulo) get written back in with guest spots because Hurley can see dead people!
And then the show ends with Rose, Bernard, Miles and Hurley making the island into a resort. Fuck you, Ben. Fuck protecting the island. Maybe if you remembered how to be EVIL instead of a whiny little bitch they wouldn’t have started a Sandals franchise on the magic Anubis island.
2. Zombies and time travel.
Nuke goes off. What happens? It interacts with the magnetic anomaly, and turns everyone in 1979 into flesh-hungry zombies. THEN, as an added bonus, the whole “sporadic jumping through time shit” starts up again, and you’ve got hydrogen-bomb zombies TIME TRAVELING THROUGH THE HISTORY OF THE ISLAND CRAVING BRAINS. So, one moment you’re trying to build a raft with Walt…then BAM zombies gnawing on your stupid, screaming skull.
And Juliet becomes the queen zombie (due to her close proximity to the nuke and magnetic anomaly), and she jumps through time trying to kill Kate, suck Sawyer’s dick, and smirk.
Show ends with a cameo by Bruce Campbell.
That’s what I’ve got, for now.
Or…you could change the title cards to black on white. Yeah. Great call.
Fuckers. Gimme some sitcom zombies.
From a Lost review message board:
“I can’t say that I was too thrilled with tonight’s episode. The only question they answered was raised by the last episode (“Will they detonate the bomb?”) and they didn’t even give us an inkling of an answer the natural follow-up question (“What happens if they detonate the bomb?”). Now, I know that the producer’s of Lost are not in the habit of ANSWERING fuck-all unless they absolutely have to, but christ throw us a bone here. None of our long term questions were even brought up tonight. They didn’t even answer many of the questions raised within the episode. So, Juliette, and Sayid and Locke might all be dead… or not. Did they push the reset button? Well probably not, cause it would mean bollocks to the last five seasons of narrative, but really we have no idea. We got to meet Jacob, but we also met his centuries-old nemesis who promptly killed him (before he could give us any information, natch). Thankfully, we got to see what was in the box, although I was concerned for a while we might not even get that (we still didn’t get the guitar case). We found out the answer to the question, “What lies in the shadow of the statue?” but IT WAS IN FUCKING LATIN. So, we know two things for sure about what is going on: fuck-all and nothing. I gave up on this show once during the Season 3 “Let’s put everybody in cages for ten episodes while we figure out what the fuck to do next” period. The season premiere better fucking blow my socks off, cause I’m starting to regret coming back.”
i dont think it sucked too bad..
first of all it’s 1977 not 1979. the show is taking place in real time on tv so real time was 2004 when they were on the island. they left the island for 3 years. so it is now 2007. and half the cast is back in time 30 years previous, 1977.
second. i cant believe you liked charlie! that guy was a fucking retard. always running around screaming about claire, being nosey and shouting “ehh!!! whah are yeh doin!!!” fucking hobbit. the day he died in the looking glass was a happy, happy day.
third. i still think ben is crazy evil and i love it! he fucking strangled locke to death in the real world, came back to the island and was going to kill him again on the island!! he also stole that guys shotgun and shot him point blank on the beach because he wanted a canoe! he almost, almost shot the shit out of penny’s face in the marina but apparently has a soft spot for little boys and then got the shit beat out of him by desmond.
fourth. we meet jacob and find that he too is helping and guiding the losties to the island for some reason.. he too is trying to make sure all the events happen in the past to keep everything right. i love how sayids lady gets killed! hit by a car!! and jacob is responsible! hilarious! i thought ben or widmore was in on it. that is what ben made us believe. so we meet jacob.. but, ken, i don’t remember when his nemesis kills him.. did i miss that. the ship though!! the ship in the water was the black rock! that is definitely the beginning of the end for the island. widmore’s relatives are on that and it is truly when it is first discovered etc..
fifth. the bomb. kind of lame. not really a cliff hanger ending.. it doesn’t leave me saying “wow! i wonder what’s going to happen next!?” it has me saying “a fucking bomb!?!?! what the hell CAN happen next?!?!” how the fuck are they going to explain there way out of this one?? if a nuke was detonated in the hole then juliette is dead as well as anyone remotely near it. which is everyone!!! kate, jack, sawyer, hurley, miles, krasinski, etc etc. they are all directly above it!! unless the electromagnetic shit sucks the explosion down because of miraculous island/LOST physics and they go back in time and shit again. blah blah.
that’s it i guess. oh the guitar case. it’s charlies guitar. there’s nothing in it except for a guitar. jacob gave it to hurley to guilt trip him into going back. that is all. period. hurley and the hobbit were obviously boyfriends and his ghost visits him more and makes hurley go back.
january 2010. that’s a long way away. i am still very interested in the skeletons in the cave found in season 1. it’ll prolly end up being bernard and rose or some shit. or maybe they go farther back in time and it is someone else.. i forget how long they said the people had been dead.
i too thought season 3 suuuuuuuccckkked. lock them up and lets make this whole show into a goddammed fertility clinic because babies are so fucking great!!! babies babies babies babies!!! who the fuck cares about babies ben!!! fuck!! the island is a paradise!!! mostly because there are no screaming, shitting, stinking babies!!
the plot has definitely wandered over the years.. psychic kids, fertility, time travel. ryan i think you may be onto something. the natural progression leads me also to believe that a foray into a chuck-e-cheese ball pit seems very likely.
time
oh the box though!!! locke is dead in the box again!!! i bet locke realizes he messed it all up and leaves the island again to recruit people to come back because he’s messed it all up again and has to really really set it right. i hope we see a 20 minute knife fight between the 2 johns. and i hope the island heals sayid. and faraday was porbably my favorite. besides kate’s sweet ass.
the end
Did anyone catch the character’s name opposite of Jacob? Was it Esau? There is a biblical story of Jacob and Esau and they fought each other all of their lives. It was also noted that Jacob lived a very simple life as a tent-dweller (just like the others). Furthermore, take a guess as to the name of one of Jacob’s sons……… Yes!!! Benjamin. This is as far as I’ve made this connection. What was Ben’s mother’s name? It was Rachel according to the biblical story. Is this familiar.
Also, Kate sucks. Also, Sun is a fucking moron. “John, will Jacob be able to find my husband?” Suck it. The only way the show can be saved, is if the writers somehow link Lost to the Aerosmith video that Sawyer appears in. That would make this worthwhile. Who are these new idiots. Lapetus is a moron. How does a dude like Jacob get killed by a knife? Who brings a knife? Here’s a gun. Shoot that mofo.
The dude who killed Jacob was his ages old nemesis who shapeshifted to be Locke. So of course he could fuck him up with a knife.
Drew, I am with you on the Esau/Jacob/Benjamin thing.
And the gun. Always bring a gun in Lost. If not for shooting, it’s also useful for knocking people the FUCK out.
As long as the island isn’t inside a snow globe that Hurley has in the asylum, I’ll be happy.