battenkill bloggy bloggy internet
So I don’t know if you heard, but the Tour of the Battenkill was today. And it was fun. And I sucked. But, whatever, par for the fuckin’ course.
NorEast had their MOST AWESOME FUCKIN RIDERS EVER there – Mr. Benjamin Coleman, Mr. Matthew Rossman and myself. Rossman flatted, Ben crashed, and I bonked like an anorexic on Marathon Monday because I ate one (1) Powergel and one (1) Cliff Bar for an 82 mile race. Awesome. Good work, Ryan. I spent the last fifteen miles with blurry vision thinking about cheeseburgers and Coca-Cola.
Hey, but who cares. I don’t. Dylan McNicholas WON the 2 race (which I called on Twitter weeks ago). Right now it appears that he may be somewhat drunk…and he’s supposed to be doing the Super Pro invite race tomorrow. Good luck, friend.
I owned bitches on dirt descents though – surprisingly. If anyone reading this has ever raced near me at a cross race, you know that I am a terrible technical rider. But, compared to the usual Cat. 2 roadie, I’m amazing at handling dirt descents. Because I managed to work my way around dudes – who were sitting BOLT UPRIGHT, vaginas full of sand, screaming about dirt and their impending doom – and pushing my fat ass to the front.
However, every time I hit a hill, I was in serious trouble. When I’d hit the hill, I’d force my fat butt to the front, prepare for the packslide. Then, obviously, I’d fall back like the 6′2″, 175 pound man that I am. Then hope that there was an upcoming descent so I can use my fat-man skills to catch back on.
You do that for several dozen miles…and you have some problems. Specifically, you explode, fly off the back, start breathing like an emphysema patient, get passed by dozens of dudes who you shouldn’t get passed by…and then eventually get passed by dropped Cat 4s, Cat 3s, and crazy homeless guys who are trying to ride their bike throughout the Battenkill valley.
THINGS THAT WERE SOMEWHAT INTERESTING
1. During my race, after I was dropped, I passed a guy who screamed “INTERNET” at me. I was too delirious to realize who it was. But I found it interesting and confusing.
2. At, my car, before I departed, the guy next to me asked “Are you Ryan Kelly? I read your blog.” It gave me a big internet boner.
3. Tomorrow I am going to take photos of the Super Pro invite race. Then I will post them to this internet blog. If anyone wants HIGH LIFE feed, LET ME KNOW. I can accommodate.
Yeah. That is all. Follow my twitter as I’m updating that all the time.
INTERNET! (that was me.) if i’d known you’d bonked i’d have given you some food. i was carrying a buffet.
didn’t bob dylan write and jimi hendrix record “vaginas made of sand”? i love that tune.
and to recap: your avatars are FANCY.
Thanks for being hospitable and sharing some Friday night grub with me.
Congrats on the forecasting for our race. I was particularly impressed with the Hot Tubes kids who were on the front for most the day and still made that top 10 split through those goddamn dirt rollers where I was cramping like new cat 4. Oh, it was painful. I think I got 15th? Can you confirm that?
Is Coleman ok?
can i get a fuggin big ring and a bag’o watts…..to go please.
Are you Ryan Kelly? From the internet? I read your blog too!
I saw a Noreast rider at a criterium bike competition in Newport News, VA today.
cycling news has you down as 31st in the cat 5 45+.
but that beats gougen, who is listed as 34th in the same field,
and the rest of us who seem not to have raced at all.
you were looking in fine shape when ya blew past me there – mid front of a hard charging pack… the moto guy warned me there was a big swarm coming, and i asked “whadda ya want me to do” “just letting you know” that you are about to be swarmed…
silly roadies trying to go down becker and the rest of the dirt descents… that was flat out comical…