New England: 30. Ryan: 0.
ATTENTION: ANOTHER NEW ENGLAND CYCLIST WITH A WEBSITE BITCHING ABOUT THE WEATHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Okay. So here’s the deal.
I’m sick of New England. Really sick of it. My driveway has four foot snow banks at the end of it, every friggin road is getting more and more narrow as the snow piles up and I pray for a day where it is above 30.
I was talking to Kenneth the other day, discussing how often New England decides to have sex with us (especially when we don’t want it to have sex with us), and how we are starting to be able to tell when things are bad:
Sign 1: From your warm home, you look out the window and see beautiful, clear skies. In a normal situation, that would indicate a beautiful, nice day. But not in New England. Nope. If it’s winter and the sky is the color of the ocean in a Club Med ad, that means that it’s probably in the single digits. Because New England wants to confuse you and make you THINK that it’s going to be a nice day. Then you walk outside, and your skin freezes, flakes off, and you die. New England wants you DEAD.
Sign 2: If you manage to survive walking out of your house, you’ll probably immediately step on snow. And this snow will not make the soft crunch of fresh powder. No, no, this snow is probably two months old, and has been sitting on your lawn since when the Patriots were still undefeated. So when you step on it, you do not sink in. There is an impenetrable layer of ice (which is the physical manifestation of New England’s hatred of humanity) separating your feet from the grass that you once could see and smell. The only smell that exists now is the diesel exhaust from plows as they continue to make roads more narrow.
Sign 3: Parts of your car no longer work because they are completely frozen. Like your parking brake. Because New England wants you to die.
Meanwhile, it’s snowing. Again. And tomorrow, once again, I will be riding the rollers. Breathing recycled air indoors. Dying one pedal stroke at a time.
But there are two things that make it sort of okay. One is that I am going to Florida in two weeks. The other is that there are brownies in the kitchen.
