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Fixing bikes the Ryan Kelly way: Screwed up cranksets.

For those of you who have raced next to me, you know that my bike usually sounds like ass. For those of you who have had the pleasure of going on a ride with me, you know that I typically have to stop to tighten my crankset. Now, in the spirit of my previous instruction on how to “remove” a seized carbon fiber seatpost, this is how you can fix a crankset that you, yourself, managed to screw up in the first place.

Now, the most common question people ask me is “Why the hell does your crankset keep falling off?” The second most common question is “Why are you outside of my bedroom window at 2 a.m. in sweatpants?”

Here, I will attempt to answer the first question, and provide a solution to it if anyone else is idiotic enough to find themselves in a similar situation.

BACKGROUND

I have an FSA SLK crankset. Typically not a bad crankset.

It’s a two piece crank with external bearings. So there is a spindle running from the driveside crankarm to the non-driveside crankarm, which is held together by an 8mm bolt. Now, no matter how much I tighten that bolt down – even to the point of standing on my pedal while also standing on the end of the allen wrench – there is always rotational play in the non-driveside crankarm. Eventually, this becomes lateral play. And then it loosens, to the point of about a centimeter of normally hidden crankset spindle showing alongside my bottom bracket bearings, and then nearly falling off.

Very, very annoying.

My crank has been getting loose pretty much since last June, but has been getting worse lately.

The root of the problem was discovered by none other than Mr. Lasagna, Josh Austin.

Here is the issue: The driveside spindle has these teeth on it:

These teeth are supposed to interface nicely with grooves in the non-driveside crankarm:

BUT THEY DON’T. Austin thinks this is because I rode with it loose once, and that caused the grooves and teeth to wear slightly. So no matter what I do, I can’t fill up that gap that shouldn’t have been created, and it will always come loose.

But what if there was some sort of material that I could apply to the spindle in an effort to fill up the space created by my idiocy…

SOLVING THE PROBLEMS CAUSED BY HOW DUMB I AM

First of all, I think I know when this happened – I was riding with Josh Lipka last April, maybe. And as we were spinning back to campus along Mill Road, the crank bolt FELL OFF MY BIKE. And I’m pretty sure that started me down this annoying path.

Anyway.

A temporary fix (that doesn’t involve solder or buying a new crankset):

1. Make sure you are an idiot. If you are not an idiot, you probably shouldn’t be reading this, because you probably aren’t in this situation.

2. Put newspaper on the carpet you will be doing this on.

Because, naturally, you will be attempting this with a filthy bike right after completing a two hour ride, in New England, in February, when it is 40 degrees out and every sand-filled snow bank has begun to melt. And also your roommate just cleaned the carpet, and was angry at you for getting grease on it but a week ago.

3. Take off your non-driveside crankarm.

4. Pull out your trusty teflon plumbers tape.

If you’re an idiot, you probably have a lot of this, because you’ve probably managed to screw up the threads on your old 9 speed Dura-Ace crankset as well.

5. Wrap tape liberally around the spindle.

I mean liberally. Like that spindle is going to impregnate the crankarm if it isn’t wrapped tightly in spermicidal teflon plumbers tape. Feel the fear of the spindle, and wrap accordingly. Layer it so more is on the outside of the spindle than the inside – as it will slip down as you are reattaching the crankarm.

6. See? Doesn’t that look like it will take up the slack that you’ve created on your crankset by being an idiot?

7. Put crank back on.

You may notice that some of the as you’re screwing it back on, you may notice that some of the tape bunches up and slides down. Which is why you should have put more on the outside than on the inside.

8. Do this before every ride longer than 25 miles until you manage to offload this bike to some other chump!

So that’s it. Welcome to what it’s like to be me: Constantly having to deal with short-term fixes to problems I’ve created by being lazy or not paying attention.

Anyone want to buy me a new crankset?

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