tell your children not to walk my way
So Scarlett Johansson hosted SNL tonight, and I finally realized that we’re gonna have to get married. Although, she is probably totally insane. But in the perfect little world of my head, where I am a good cyclist and can write things that don’t sound like they came from the mind of a third grader, she will soon be Scarlett Kelly.
Or something.
I mean, I might just fail out of college and then stalk her or something. My current plan, which I discussed with Drew while watching SNL, is as follows:
1. Be riding in Portsmouth.
2. Stop at BNG.
3. See Ms. Johansson.
4. Her and I strike up a conversation about bikes.
5. We go on a date and I woo her with my charm, humor, intelligence, and beard growing abilities.
6. We bone. Probably to Kraftwerk.
Honestly, this is my plan to meet/win over any number of the celebrity women who I know I will never actually meet, nor win over. I’m sure everyone has a plan like that. Ken’s probably involves a blow gun and tranquilzer darts.
I don’t remember Drew’s exact reaction – I’m sure it was along the lines of “You’re an idiot and are going to die alone.” But we did see an ad saying that 56% of Americans have mental illness. So that means one of us is retarded. I’m putting my money on myself.
