McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Notes From an Amateur Spectator at Amateur Mixed Martial Arts Fights: Column 13: Chaos at the College 2.

I’ve really been enjoying the McSweeney’s series “Notes From an Amateur Spectator at Amateur Mixed Martial Arts Fights”. It’s a very interesting viewpoint of a sport so far removed from any that I participate in. And it’s funny, in the way that things on McSweeney’s are.

Tonight we also get to watch the debut fight from Ben McKinley, a former color commentator for this column who has a circumference of 72 inches. Ben claims that this will be his only MMA fight, a once-in-a-lifetime event that happens to take place on his wife’s birthday. His wife’s attitude about this coincidence is best described as tolerant.

(via McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Notes From an Amateur Spectator at Amateur Mixed Martial Arts Fights: Column 13: Chaos at the College 2.)

Heckled To Death

Looking forward to Gloucester:

Cosmo: You racing at all before Glowchester?
me: Yeah
Cosmo: nice
Cosmo: Imma heckle the shit out of you
me: super
Cosmo: they’re gonna find your body
Cosmo: in the sand
Cosmo: and be like “he was heckled to death”

You’re all invited to heckle me to death. Not that anyone needed an invite. But…in case you did need an invite, you are now invited.

I Need Socks

Are you a company that has your logo on socks?  Are you a sock company that is sitting on a pile of extra-large (suitable for size fifteen US feet) socks?  Would you like photos of your socks to fly about the Internet and as advertisements in publications?

I can make this happen.  If you give me your socks.

This is a real life advertisement in Cyclocross Magazine featuring my legs and my socks.

If you cannot tell, I am wearing a lovely pair of Zanconato socks.  I won them in a raffle.

Here is a better photo of my legs and the socks that I am wearing at the bottom of my legs:

These could be your socks.

This photo is grainy, as I took it off of Colin Reuter’s Twitter page.

If you give me some socks, I will wear them at all cyclocross races.  I will also blog about your socks.  I will give them an honest review.  I am an honest man.  If I review the socks, and they suck*, I will say so.  I will send the socks back to you, and you can take the shitty socks and burn them (as that is what one does with socks that suck).

I will talk about your socks incessantly on the Twitter, to the detriment of losing followers who are tired of hearing me talk about how great (or how shitty) your socks are.  I don’t use Facebook very often, but I will start using it to talk about your socks.

I will put socks on my dog and take cute photos.  Maybe even post them to Instagram.  Are you into sexy photos of skinny, hairy guys wearing nothing but SOCKS?

Well, that’s good, but don’t push your luck.  I will probably** not send you photos of me wearing nothing but socks.

Contact me at if you have some socks that you’d like to give me.

*Please don’t send me shitty socks.  Let’s not waste our time here.
** I might.

Friendly Toast For Sale

No, not just a slice of toast.  The entire business.  From

According to a listing on the Bean Group real estate Web site, $1.875 million is the asking price for a “package deal” for both Friendly Toast locations.

This concerns me, because I fear that new owners will hire new waitstaff and change the menu and make the place cleaner.  OR, they could try to “class it up”, and then Portsmouth could have another stuffy restaurant*.  If the restaurant closes or changes significantly, I’ll probably move.

Alternatively, I can try to raise $1.875 million.

*note:  Fiancee correctly predicted that Bella Sol would not last, as it was yet another restaurant with a generic (but likely tasty) offering of pasta dishes, along the lines of Cafe Med, Radici and others.  The Friendly Toast stands out as one of the truly unique eateries in the city.

This Photo Is Fantastic

The title of this post says it all.

Pretty sure she's not riding this bike ironically.

This photo adorns the side of a new “healthy” snack machine at work (where Clif Bars are $2!) and is very confusing.

I would like to know who chose this out of the massive collection of mountain biking stock photos that were available.  Because that is a person with a great sense of humor, or a person who is comically out of touch.