If given the choice between eating poo and serving forty-three consecutive life sentences in a maximum security prison, think long and hard about the poo.

Consider using dynamite to get at the pipes buried in your parents’ yard; if you really want to give your mother a “surprise chocolate shower” for her birthday, you’re going to have to get at the plumbing somehow.

Save money on your phone bills by taking a tip from whales. The song of a whale can be heard for hundreds of miles underwater, so begin a life under the ocean and say goodbye to AT&T!

There are so many wonderful things in the world!
You should take them and collect them and hide them in a Tupperware container under your bed and keep them for yourself FOREVER.

Stop asking people how they are doing, and say “Hey, what’s shakin? Wanna have some sex?”
This may become difficult during your daily small talk with coffee shop employees.

Bored?
Throw some poop.

Are you hungry?
Maybe you should throw your cat in a blender.
Just sayin.

The next time your friends abandon you, return to the sweet embrace of whiskey.

If your company has suddenly instituted restricted internet access, bring those fuckers down by downloading gigabytes of terrorist documents, illegal porn and other files of interest for the FBI.
Sure, you’re going to go to jail, but your company will probably have to pay a hefty fine.

The next time you are on a date with a sexy man or woman, fart on their food when they leave the table.
Then, later, when you are engaging in sexual intercourse and are attempting to coerce them into tossing your salad and they refuse, surprise them with the fact that you farted on their food, [...]