If given the choice between eating poo and serving forty-three consecutive life sentences in a maximum security prison, think long and hard about the poo.

Dr. Dave and The Cum Cannons.

Consider using dynamite to get at the pipes buried in your parents’ yard; if you really want to give your mother a “surprise chocolate shower” for her birthday, you’re going to have to get at the plumbing somehow.

Save money on your phone bills by taking a tip from whales. The song of a whale can be heard for hundreds of miles underwater, so begin a life under the ocean and say goodbye to AT&T!

We endeavor as best we can here at the Idea Factory to occasionally give you a peek into the world of professional idea-ating, and now seems like as good a time as any – especially now that the flow of ideas has dried up – to pull back the curtain and explain to the audience [...]

There are so many wonderful things in the world!
You should take them and collect them and hide them in a Tupperware container under your bed and keep them for yourself FOREVER.

Stop asking people how they are doing, and say “Hey, what’s shakin? Wanna have some sex?”
This may become difficult during your daily small talk with coffee shop employees.

Bored?
Throw some poop.

Are you hungry?
Maybe you should throw your cat in a blender.
Just sayin.

The next time your friends abandon you, return to the sweet embrace of whiskey.