McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: The Lost Gospel. 1

JESUS: I’mma cure them leopards, guys. You guys! Let’s gooooo… let’s… go heal those jungle cats.

MARK: Lepers. You want to heal the lepers.

JUDAS: Jesus, you need to sit down. You’re drunk again.

MATTHEW: Your blood is literally wine.

JESUS: Man, I’m hungry… but lo, there’s only one raw fish pizza roll left. WAIT, I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

JUDAS: I know what you’re thinking, and please DO NOT do it. The toilet’s clogged and we cannot afford for you to have raw fish diarrhea again.

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